Monthly Archive for August, 2007

I know i am too old to feel like this. However, it seems that i can’t stand being trapped and motionless in this loathsome world anymore. I find myself living an everyday pathetic life i abhore, crammed with disappointment and caustic delusions, bruising faults which aren’t mine but still cut me. Right now i feel like i was never meant to be a part of the world i’m living in, like i’m too dreamlike and mythical, enough to be the surplus piece of the mechanics of the cosmos. But i tried. Perhaps not enough for the likes of you people, but i did what i could. I chose a common life and a boring career hoping to become common people, my former wish; but ended up abominating both, and my own self, whatever i have become, that something in between, not one being nor another. Once again i take a look at what i’ve done and accomplished since i was born and i discover with humiliation that my latest traces in the path of my history are worthless, that i have done nothing meaningful with my life. That i’m a waste of human resources, nothing more. But still i find myself magnificent, though i can’t explain why: the means are meaningless to me, i go beyond it all, i know, common people don’t, can’t. But still i am, to them, no one. I slowly realized it’s not here where i belong, but then, where do i? do i? do? i?

Now every attempt of commiting a word to another it’s completely aimless to me. I take shelter in thousands of pages of books, daydreaming, imaginating (which seems like the only thing i can get right), filling blank pages with the life i’d love to make mine if i had the chance, written in black ink. Then i open my eyes again and i’m still here, embracing solitude acquiescingly, falling inwards my only choice. I wish i knew what i want. I whish i had a bit of what i want. I whish i had a close friend to talk to and a god to blame, for the least.

I have to admit, shamefully, that the only thing that keeps me alive and “fighting” is this horrid fear of death. Yes, cowardice. But in about fifty years i’ll be dead anyway. Crap.